A long-expected crackfic
Mar. 7th, 2012 10:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
huinareOh look, there's time enough between classes to post this bit of mischief I managed yesterday.
Dedication!: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aliana1, to commend, hmm, the anniversary(ish) of Faramir meeting Frodo and Samwise. Also, one good turn deserves another.
Belatedly for the following B2MEM I22 prompts of 4th Mar: “Unlikely Pairings” (Crackfic), “Heedless of the Wind and Weather” (Here We Come A-Caroling). And of course, space 068 on the Crack Pairings 2 card.
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The Osgiliath Orator, 2985
FINDUILEORN SUNDERED!
Rumors began flying last week that Finduilas of Dol Amroth, the nation’s favorite poignantly restless noble wife, and her long-time paramour Beorn the immigrant Skin-Changer, had finally split.
As the shadow in the east stirred ominously and Denethor, son of Ecthelion, grew more pensive and grave of countenance, citizens looking for distraction or escapism welcomed the 2979 news that Finduilas had gone forth from Minas Tirith and begun a torrid affair with Beorn. The unlikely couple captured the fancy and won the affection of millions across Gondor and as far abroad as the Mark.
“Finduileorn represented, for many people, a more idyllic world–-a world where a beautiful noblewoman can shirk all duty, run off with great bears, romp about in hill and wood and mead, and commit wanton acts of interspecies carnality,” explained Ioreth, a graduate student in Clinical Psychoherbology, interviewed yesterday outside the Houses of Healing. “The shadow growing in the east seemed to hold no sway over them, nor over us when we read about them. It was an unorthodox pairing, to be sure, but we were all rooting for them.” Ioreth here paused to covertly wipe away a tear.
The image of Finduilas riding on the back of a great bear has become iconic in Gondor. There were frequent reports from all corners of the nation claiming to have sighted the couple running thus, heedless of all wind and other weather, intent only upon each other.
Yet the rumor mill has been bustling with news that Finduilas now plans to return to Minas Tirith and to her lawfully wedded husband, Denethor the Steward. Speculation runs rampant that the lord Denethor has coerced his lady into this course of action by threatening to withdraw visitation privileges altogether. The couple’s firstborn son, Boromir (7), has rarely seen his mother since she departed during his infancy. Other speculation runs counter to this, saying that Finduilas cares little for her firstborn and that Denethor cares little for anything other than his firstborn. Certainly the Steward cares little enough for his younger son (Faramir, 2), whom he has publicly denounced as the son of either Beorn or the wandering wizard Mithrandir. Since his birth, Faramir has dwelt with Finduileorn, and all were frequently seen together in Ithilien.
When The Orator’s uncouth reporter caught up with Finduilas returning down the Anduin along with Faramir and a small train, Beorn was suspiciously absent. Finduilas flatly deigned not to answer most of our questions, but when asked if the separation was related to infidelity on Beorn’s part, the lady of Dol Amroth responded, “Beorn never slept with another human woman. Mearas, on the other hand…” Then she put one delicate hand gracefully over her mouth and declined to clarify her statement.
Finduilas did flatly deny that she and Beorn originally met in the marshes of Wetwang.
Dedication!: For
aliana1, to commend, hmm, the anniversary(ish) of Faramir meeting Frodo and Samwise. Also, one good turn deserves another.Belatedly for the following B2MEM I22 prompts of 4th Mar: “Unlikely Pairings” (Crackfic), “Heedless of the Wind and Weather” (Here We Come A-Caroling). And of course, space 068 on the Crack Pairings 2 card.
__________________
The Osgiliath Orator, 2985
FINDUILEORN SUNDERED!
Rumors began flying last week that Finduilas of Dol Amroth, the nation’s favorite poignantly restless noble wife, and her long-time paramour Beorn the immigrant Skin-Changer, had finally split.
As the shadow in the east stirred ominously and Denethor, son of Ecthelion, grew more pensive and grave of countenance, citizens looking for distraction or escapism welcomed the 2979 news that Finduilas had gone forth from Minas Tirith and begun a torrid affair with Beorn. The unlikely couple captured the fancy and won the affection of millions across Gondor and as far abroad as the Mark.
“Finduileorn represented, for many people, a more idyllic world–-a world where a beautiful noblewoman can shirk all duty, run off with great bears, romp about in hill and wood and mead, and commit wanton acts of interspecies carnality,” explained Ioreth, a graduate student in Clinical Psychoherbology, interviewed yesterday outside the Houses of Healing. “The shadow growing in the east seemed to hold no sway over them, nor over us when we read about them. It was an unorthodox pairing, to be sure, but we were all rooting for them.” Ioreth here paused to covertly wipe away a tear.
The image of Finduilas riding on the back of a great bear has become iconic in Gondor. There were frequent reports from all corners of the nation claiming to have sighted the couple running thus, heedless of all wind and other weather, intent only upon each other.
Yet the rumor mill has been bustling with news that Finduilas now plans to return to Minas Tirith and to her lawfully wedded husband, Denethor the Steward. Speculation runs rampant that the lord Denethor has coerced his lady into this course of action by threatening to withdraw visitation privileges altogether. The couple’s firstborn son, Boromir (7), has rarely seen his mother since she departed during his infancy. Other speculation runs counter to this, saying that Finduilas cares little for her firstborn and that Denethor cares little for anything other than his firstborn. Certainly the Steward cares little enough for his younger son (Faramir, 2), whom he has publicly denounced as the son of either Beorn or the wandering wizard Mithrandir. Since his birth, Faramir has dwelt with Finduileorn, and all were frequently seen together in Ithilien.
When The Orator’s uncouth reporter caught up with Finduilas returning down the Anduin along with Faramir and a small train, Beorn was suspiciously absent. Finduilas flatly deigned not to answer most of our questions, but when asked if the separation was related to infidelity on Beorn’s part, the lady of Dol Amroth responded, “Beorn never slept with another human woman. Mearas, on the other hand…” Then she put one delicate hand gracefully over her mouth and declined to clarify her statement.
Finduilas did flatly deny that she and Beorn originally met in the marshes of Wetwang.
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Things I love about this:
Date: 2012-03-07 06:18 pm (UTC)2)Pitch-perfect gossip column reportage mixed with Tolkienesque vernacular
3)"poignantly restless noble wife"
4)"–a world where a beautiful noblewoman can shirk all duty, run off with great bears, romp about in hill and wood and mead, and commit wanton acts of interspecies carnality"
5)graduate student in Clincal Psychoherbology
6)Faramir as suspected bastard offspring of Beorn or Mithrandir
7)Mearas
8)I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks that "Wetwang" is the worst made-up place name, ever.
9)Everything.
I am your fangirl. Finduileorn forever!
For Finduileorn!
Date: 2012-03-07 08:08 pm (UTC)You know how this actually came about? I was about to respond to your comment in that particular discussion with, "Hell no, no Finduileorn* for me." And then I was like "Wait just a bear-buggering minute..."
*Actually, I think Beornduilas first came to mind, but Finduileorn struck me as funnier.
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Date: 2012-03-07 07:24 pm (UTC)workdayafternoon. Great stuff!no subject
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Date: 2012-03-07 09:51 pm (UTC)Great imitation of a gossip page/E! Entertainment, and omg, Faramir the son of Beorn or Mithrandir and thus estranged from "daddy" Denethor. Hysterical!
(Also, I love Ioreth so very much in general, and as a graduate student in clinical psychoherbology in particular.)
(And: psychoherbology, which sounds suspiciously like "I do 'shrooms regularly and write about the experience".)
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Date: 2012-03-07 09:59 pm (UTC)Haha, I wasn't exactly sure what "psychoherbology" would entail, but it sounded appropriate enough. I rather like your idea.
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Date: 2012-03-08 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 01:01 pm (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
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Date: 2015-03-20 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-21 01:28 am (UTC)I am starting to realize that most of my crackfic takes place it its own very special 'verse which I hereby dub the Salizi!verse.
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Date: 2016-03-04 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2016-03-27 02:46 am (UTC)